As 2014 came to a close, I found myself reflecting on the year and thought about how grateful I am for the ways in which God led me through it. Exactly one year ago, I found myself sinking into depression for the first time in my life and for no apparent reason. I didn't know what to do or what to say and didn't say much of anything for a few weeks. I just felt "blah." Then "blah" turned into sadness, darkness, and constant tears. I'm pretty sure Greg didn't know what to do with me. I didn't know what to do with myself! I eventually shared with some dear friends and talked with parents and family, and those were steps in the right direction.
I have wonderful parents, a loving husband, forgiving and gracious kids, and amazing friends--all good gifts from God--and they helped me through that very difficult time. Flowers, cards and notes, Bible verses people shared with me, phone calls and texts, long hugs during teary times, and offers to help practically, in various ways, are all things I think about when I think of what encouraged me during that time. It was good for me to hear that others had gone through something similar and had come out of it ok, that things had gotten better. I wasn't sure I'd ever feel good again.
About a month into the "blahs," as I called it, I got in to see my doctor and found out, after getting some blood work done, that some of my "levels" were off. She gave me some supplements and medications and told me to come back in two months to recheck my blood work. I still don't know for sure what caused my depression or what made the most difference in the improvement of my emotional/mental state, but the things the doctor prescribed did seem to help, and slowly, very slowly it felt, I began to feel more like myself again. By summer, I was feeling much more stable and hopeful. So much happened during those difficult winter and spring months, with the kids involved in all kinds of sports and activities, and during so much of it, I was just not happy. But I got through it. With God's help and by his grace, I came through it. It may happen again. I sure hope it doesn't, but it might, and if it does, I will be able to look back at God's faithfulness to me in this last year and see hope. God is good, even when life doesn't feel good, he is good, and he is faithful to all his promises. I clung to a lot of those promises during that tough time and still do.
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
Psalm 3:3 "But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head."
John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
When I was really struggling, my dad wrote me a note and shared a favorite quote from missionary A.E. Glover's 1904 autobiography, A Thousand Miles of Miracles in China (a book I would like to read someday), explaining that Glover tells about miracles and God answering prayer, and then one time when depression overwhelmed him. He felt embarrassed and even guilty for his discouragement because God had truly blessed and favored him. Then Glover wrote in his journal:
Some may perhaps wonder why, after such signal deliverances and sustaining grace, faith did not rise superior to the new trial. I only record the fact that it was so. Seasons of darkness do not necessarily argue the failure of faith. Often the very reverse is true, for faith must be educated and its schooling has to be done in the valley of sorrow as well as on the hill of vision.
I'm fairly certain I've got more "schooling" ahead in my life, so I'll have to remember these words, but for now, I will be grateful for the break in the darkness and the time on the "hill of vision."
Happy New Year 2015!
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